So thats when I found out ur supposed to put the penut butter on your balls not your dogs balls, feels alot better
you were running down the aisles of wal mart singing 'follow the yellowbrick road'. i'm pretty sure you thought the night shift workers were the munchkins & started crying when they wouldnt help u find the wizard. needless to say u were pretty stoned/wasted
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
It was also my first failed attempt at shower sex.
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
you were telling us about the time you had sex in an alley and he stopped, looked up and said 'it was a cul-de-sac' and went right back to what he was doing.
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
Randomize
