I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
on a side note you can NOT make bong water out of a pear
So basically our separate showers turned into one shower, to save water, which turned into a bath, which turned into sex on the bed, which turned into drinking beer in the bed, and thats what the stain is from... bud light. sorry.
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
I almost stopped mid bj to let him know I appreciated his balls being nice to look at/have my face near. But I didn't know if that would ruin, or improve the moment.
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
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