I hraet yuo
did you say you heart me or hate me?
who is this?
We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
Young lesbians are the worst. And also what got me through high school, sooooo
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
Randomize
