Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
So apparently I told him I was off to go "whore skipping" and I disappeared into the night skipping down the street. I know this because there's video.
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
SO EXCITED ABOUT STRING CHEESE RIGHT NOW
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
If sending nudes to tinder boy is considered functional then yes.
FUCK WHALES
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
Randomize
