You don't get off work for this? I feel genuinely bad for you.
I'll have a beer when I get into the office. Yes, I hide beer in my work frige.
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
pray for me tomorrow cause I have a midterm that I've mostly studied for by watching Bill Nye episodes on the subject...
So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
Been home for 3 days and already spiked coffee with Kahlua. Only 106 till we go back to school
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
