If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
hey can i ask you a kinda weird question?
i know what the question is. yes they are bigger, and no i did not get plastic surgery
dont ever smoke after you drink again... i dont think ive ever seen...or heard of someone throwing up and farting at the same time. that is, if you were farting.
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
I had never watched a guy jack off to me before, but let me tell you, it was a very uncomfortable experience.
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
hey your mom heard me say to her " That right your not going to Shit right for a month"
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
I was grinding on him when mosquitoes starting biting us and ruined every damn thing. I just wanted to fuck on a slide under the stars. It's every girls dream.
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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