I have only been in this city 3 nights and there are already 4 bars I can never go back to again.
Balls are wasted. Waste are ballsted. Ballsd wasted
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
im not even sure if i fucked her just woke up in her closet.
She is ok w me having sex for money. Just gotta find rich grandmas.
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
Yes but I said "let's get a dog" not a drunk human so some rules will be established this evening
Fuck me I smell like cheese
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Randomize
