1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
That girl would be great looking if she lost 1000 pounds and cut off her head.
yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
Just gave some kid head in the library. Perfect way to end the semester.
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
I can see the future and your future is full of penis
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
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