My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
It's hipsters with their motorcycle cop mustaches, moccasins, douchey irony, and department stores to supply their independent conformity
Something's gotta give!
Sorry about your blender, your tiolet, your weed, and your dog...
I'm eager to hear this explaination.
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
We were taking body shots by lunch. I love college.
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
eating pizza to get the taste of dick out my mouth wby
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