The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
Blonde girl lying face-down, passed out next to my bed, walls are covered in guacamole. College is looking excellent.
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My day in three words: secret purse cake
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
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