I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
We should make a goal to do one active thing a day, even if its like throwing a ball
And by ball i mean playing catch. Beer pong does not count as an activity
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
Just interrupted a freshman tour to ask where the sexual health center is. Figured I'd just give us all what we were really looking for.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
she referred to her cum as “pussy butter” so needless to say we had a good night
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