Can a clitoris grow tomatoes? Its symbolic and rhetorical.
somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
I blame it on the rum. It keeps jumpng doqn my throst.
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
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