He keeps looking? I tried to shag. I invited him to this table but he went to ze other one! If he shaves his 'tache I would totally hit it.
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
We'll talk about this tommorrow when I'm not mistaking my fingers for French fries....
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
Steve brought 6 joints and 2 bottles of makers mark, Josh shat himself in the pool, and Amy blew me. Hope that extra 3 dollars an hour for working overnights is still worth it.
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
Randomize
