Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
had to bail. she had her cat tattooed on her
hey quick question, what would you consider to be a "first date" porn?
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
You were force feeding yourself jello and you kept repeating, "I will not surrender"
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
just passed the gas station where we took pregnancy tests. memories.
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
he was wearing a pyjama shirt under a dress shirt under a hoodie under a robe under a rain poncho the man was prepared for anything
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
Randomize
