I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
she kept yelling 'call me bella'
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
She still cant shoot whiskey?
Im having serious doubts about this relationship
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
ARE YOU SAYING THAT YOU DON'T WANT TO GO TO A PARTY AT AN ADULT STORE WHERE A BUNCH OF HOT GIRLS ARE DRINKING
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
My soul is telling me that I need to take this exam naked.
You "drove" the computer chair around the party for a good fifteen minutes. you would crash into things, freak out, and yell for an ambulance.
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
Randomize
