he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
I think he just tried to put your boyfriend in a trashcan....
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
Randomize
