Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
To justify your stumbling you just kept yelling 'it's the boat, not the drinks' We hadn't even left the dock yet....
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I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
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Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
high moment I think I just reached personal nirvana
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
For a second fuck I think last night went extremely well... our sexual relationship is progressing at a pace that im quite satisfied with.
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