I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
When dressing for a 3way, how do I convey to the other chick I care enough to look pretty but not so much that it's a huge deal?
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
Im at a south american orphan benefit auction drinking stoli in a coffee mug, this is what my life has become, thanks a lot community college
Recliner chair sex has moments of worry....just don't.
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
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