Don't make out with my wife yet
Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
She devotes each year to either men or women. I waited all year for her to be straight, tonights the night.
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
I think there is a legit party going on the place we thought was AA
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
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