am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
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She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
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Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
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