I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
K, so let's go ahead and say that mcnugget and margarita Tuesday was a bad idea
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
We're looking for the removeable roof from her Miata. Winner gets a 40.
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
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