im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
nothing like a tattoo of a large eagle attacking a small eagle whos attacking a shark to bond to siblings together for life
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
Ohh I see how it works, eat pussy and I get Reese's pieces.
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
Pillow talk was a high five, this morning she made dinosaur muffins for the house. I love chapel hill
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