Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
she gave me head while wearing a sombrero and told me it was her "welcome to south of the border" blowjob. i am never leaving mexico.
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
is it bad that im laying on a beach towel in my room with my lights on high pretending to be tanning on the beach in the summer?
Randomize
