Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
This essay is so getting done. I am spurred on by thoughts of test-driving your newly shaven face by sitting on it as soon as humanly possible.
That boy has a whole ocean of crazy lying just beneath the surface waiting to rise up, he's like the tar sands of crazy
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
Felt like shit, jerked off, felt ten times better. Being a guy rules. It's like I got all the demons out in 5 minutes.
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
Randomize
