I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
When we ran out of red solo cups we switched to Starbucks cups for beer pong... Who doesn't want to live in Seattle?
he'll be my respectable boyfriend for tksgiving and i'll be his non-slutty girlfriend for christmas.
and then ....
he stays my gay friend and my parents think i'm not a slut.
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
I wonder if our vaginas are like "o thank god, no strangers breaking in tonight." Baahhhh sooo bad
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
I say this out of love and friendship. Eat ice cream not the d.
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
