I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
Also I fell in love w a girl dressed as a pirate that was great at doing the limbo
Need your help. Dad's drunk and trying to build a still in the basement.
NM he's asleep in a pile of towels. They need to ease people back into Hockey Night in Canada.
fucked a girl in Bentley hall at ten tonight, came on the carpet and I plan on doing it in another building soon. Watch where you walk
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
I don't think Buddha would recommend a sexscpade across Mexico
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
Randomize
