This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
Just had a conversation with Jon gosselin
Until you fuck him in front of his kids stop wasting my time with stupid texts.
Just crossed the line with my beat friends girl twinsie. Didn't realize tillz afta how much the look alike and an thougholy creeped out. Thanks ciroc
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
