I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
the higher we get, the more he looks like ray charles.
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
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