I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
Ya I painted "STOP TRYING ANAL" on her headboard. I'm sick of listening to her whine through the wall and bitch the next day.
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Randomize
