i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
I just watched Jersey Shore so I would know what rock bottom was when I reach it.
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
He's going to be my graduation present to myself.
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
Yupp. He's definitely a screamer.
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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