Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
We will have to stop frequently for food, stretching legs, interesting things on the side of the road, and sex. So you might as well eat.
He has jerked off in so many socks I am surprised he doesn't have athletes dick
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
Randomize
