yes, too bad my tears were being wiped away by tits in my face
He gave her the shocker .. I didn't know people really did that.
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
well what the fuck is the POINT of teetotal mardi gras
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
Randomize
