so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
Not rlly sure. Might just drink and sleep. Gotta wake up for my last rabies shot lol
let's just say if he has a penis and he hypothetically needs to put it somewhere... i would take care of that for him.
Last time i carry you out of a forest
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
Yeaaaaa...im super disgusted with myself lol...which is interesting, considering all of the things I have done in my life...
Randomize
