God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
Well whatever you do have, it sure worked on me.
A Penis?
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
In that case, I'll try 2 find a date. But my options are AA friends or fuck buddies.
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
You are one with the wind and sky, bro.
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
