Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
I think he'd cut a tree down for me. He's from North Dakota. That's something hot guys do there, right?
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
Question: should I be considering heels or is this the kind of night where I should plan on falling on my face regardless of my choice of footwear?
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
Randomize
