i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
He's a Republican and an Ohio State fan idk how far this can go.
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
Idk how much of a virgin he is but I'm tryna find out.
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
