I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
She kept saying "I'm going to hell" the entire time we were fucking. I really wasn't sure what to do... so I agreed with her.
That was definitely the right answer.
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
I'm just crazy horny about you
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
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