You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
I woke up naked under desk at her apt once during my freshman year. I should have known that friendship was of a different breed...
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
Lo siento on account of my penis...
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
