my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
I'll pretend I don't know she's blind, my morals claimed the back seat in this adventure.
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
Randomize
