I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
you spent the like half the night trying to figure out the puzzles on the back of the captn crunch box
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
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