Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
Bullshit. I know you're watching The Dog Whisperer
That Cesar Milan is captivating
Little spoons don't ask big questions
yeah. pants. i need to put pants on. i didn't do that last night. big mistake
he was humming party in the usa while we were having sex.
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
Is it uncouth to masturbate the night before a gyno appointment?
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