Just spent the rest of my time at that bar trying to keep a probs underage closet gay from touching my kitten to prove he still likes girls.
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
i think guys who wear condoms are gentleman.
i love that we sang a whole new world together while you carried me through campus
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
Beer bonging to Ave Maria
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
Randomize
