My friends, they love my intelligence
There is no way he is gay with that hair.
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
My vagina supports interfraternal relations
i think i traded my wallet for a tim hortons gift card.
its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.
IM A SHIT SUOW THE GUYS AT THE PMACR TOLD ME AJDBO I WEBF RO WALNARY WITH OU SHOES! I WASHT LLOWES FLOWERSA
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
Well statistically J has a 1 in 3 chance of hospitalization when downtown
And a 3 for 3 for disapeearing
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
Randomize
