She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Randomize
