Why are there hot girls at the dollar store?
The recession has changed everything man.
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
Randomize
