70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
the australian girl literally just drank an entire pitcher of beer in about twenty seconds. i want to go to there.
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
Aw lol. Sounds like my masturbation injury last year
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
Randomize
