Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
its like whenever the snow comes all the hott girls drop out of school. where are they
winter break is gonna be like a weird mixture of rehab fat camp and holiday cheer.
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
It was after I slept with him he tells me he's a juggalo
Well it was nice knowing him
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
Randomize
