I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
No. No. No. No one's allowed to fuck in the yurt.
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
you walked 30 min all the way back to the dorms at 2am?
i was more bummed that i dropped all my skittles.
You left your phone here
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