Do ugly people know they are ugly?
The quiet ones do.
When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
Heated debate on which is worse. Pissing your pants or puking all over yourself
I voted for him because his wife supports his raging sex life.
At what point should i just give my brother a break and stop sleeping with his friends?
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
Last thing I remember clearly was, "ok, but if we're are gonna get drunk before class, there's no half-doing this"
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
your were asleep with people making out on top of you. you didn't even look bothered by it.
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Randomize
