she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
She's echoing.. Her head must be in the toilet..
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
She told me the only rule was that I couldn't cum on her Batman blanket.
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
Bud light made chelada as a breakfast for those of us with class at 8 am
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
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