why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
Also, if asking a guy to come over and watch curling with you doesn't scream let's fuck then idk what does
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
Randomize
