Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
What do you mean when you say no pre-party sex?
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
Porch rule of tonight: when you sing, you must use "something" as a microphone. The person to use the most "creative" object gets the door prize...so far Stephie is winning with Jennifer's dog.
Well for starters, her tits were hairy.
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
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