Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
At what point in time did you decide the pot head with Taco Bell was more important than all your friends.
At about the same time you guys weren't burritos.
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
Randomize
