Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
I wish I could google chicago male strippers on my work computer but I don't feel like talking to HR today
I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
There are empty beer cans all over and the go-kart is missing. I need it for my halloween costume.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
But for real, I had the best sex of my life on that bunk bed
Is this the point in which we come to terms with our lesbianism or is that after you send me more ass pics...
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
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