Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
Definitely just saw the guy I went on a date with Friday night dressed in medeival knight gear on the quad preparing for battle. Oh my God.
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
I just saw a sign that said "STRIPPERS!!! As seen on Jerry Springer!". As if Springer is the highest honor. I'm pretty sure we're in south Georgia.
it's like heaven, but drunker
I feel like I had eight dicks in my mouth
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
I am watching xfiles and eating microwaved cookiedough, and I see nothing wrong with it.
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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