Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
Im the proud new owner of the campus speed bump sign
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
I'm just concerned as to why his penis is two different colors.
He called me dainty, then fucked me like the Viking God he is.
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
Randomize
