Her sister's ass was worth my getting thrown out of the house.
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
Hey I didn't mean to come across like I was judging you about your liberal sexual choices. I would like details of your threesome if you need to talk about it!
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Randomize
