maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
DID YOU JUST COME OUT THROUGH A FACEBOOK COMMENT??
I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
It's going to be like a slumber party but with ketamine
Went to go look for a friend that was missing since 3am, found her passed out in the hallway of the apartment, guessing it was a good night
Randomize
