Those 2 guys from the sonic commercial will be virgins for life.
i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
just watched a cripple ollie in his wheelchair to get on to the elevated floor in the bar. I. LOVE. WISCONSIN
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
Just sucked some sandy dick on a boardwalk & now I'm at a family reunion hbu
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
Randomize
