He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
I literally need to be slapped with another cock just to notice it.
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
At least life still wants to fuck me.
I think I was just recruited to join a religious lesbian cult by these 3 really pretty girls and I'm tempted to join
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
true. but still. you know how big of a sucker i am for a penis and a pretty face.
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
Randomize
