everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
then she came back into the room with a neckbrace on. i thought she was getting ready for the pounding of a lifetime.
i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.
his name is not nearly as fun as i thought to yell out in bed
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
I know it sucks but it's just something that needs to be done though. Like shaving ur pubes or going to the dentist.
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
Randomize
