I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
Superbowl + Mdma, hope we're on the same page.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
As the cops are taking us away I see the strippers taking our DD backstage.
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
Randomize
